Friday, July 31, 2009


Step 1: Get a zucchini from me.

Step 2: Find a way to make it as delicious as possible.

Step 3: Send me the pictures.

Step 4: Become what you were meant to be.

Winner will receive something.

(Probably awesome dumb)

I'm a BIG BOI...

My first cheques......And yes I made a joke about the movie Blank Cheque.

On the contrary, She LOVED it.

...And yes that's Stella in the Background.

...And yes drop what you're doing and go and buy it right now.

You do weird things when you're drunk and have an
  abundance of cucumber.
You - "with the garden doing impeccably well, minus the devil-worshipping spinach, you must have alot of free time, what do you do to pass the time?"

Me - "God that was a poorly worded question. 
 Syntax police on the way."

Also KP and I beat Contra.  But to take a picture of Contra is akin to taking a picture up god's dress
 then tagging it on Facebook as "god's junk."

seriously it is.

 Akin: A pretentious replacement of the word Like.

Thanks for the Book Dave, seems a little late.
This is akin to having my bachelor party
2 months after my wedding.

Which I wouldn't mind at all.

Also Maclean's tells me not to, that's all I need.

FYI: Did you know Obama is bad for Canada?

Maclean's did.

Proof even though I blog and listen to MSTRKRFT I am no hipster.
First mention of the Kenyan O'Bones.

"Only don't tell me you're innocent. 

Because it insults my intelligence -- and makes me very


"Now who approached you? Tattaglia or Barzini?
The orange cat or the grey one?"

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

These bugs be all up in my shit...

But not always...

I took this exact same picture two weeks ago and it had 3 jalapeƱos.

Anyone see two  jalapeƱos?  I seem to have misplaced them.

Best HARVEST yet!!!

Green means GO!

So turn Red already.

Monday, July 27, 2009

I don't want to brag but...

Also I don't want to brag because I was by far the worst golfer.  Also sometimes I shot two balls throughout the hole.  Also we didn't count water hazards.

Stella - "Business Tycoons!!! I like the sound of that!"
...But no one was home so we left it at the door.

...then KP remembered it was his parent's house so we went inside.
And got a bottle of wine as a gift.
Thank you kindly, MR. and MRS. KP.

Obviously the THAI basil is the best looking thing in the garden.

Beautiful cycle...

I give this...

I get this...

Gives me energy to do this...

(...Still got it.)

...Which, in turn, gives me more of this.



Friday, July 24, 2009

"It's not personal, Sonny. It's strictly business..."

"You're not a wartime consigliere..."

"Things may get rough with the move we're trying."

"I want  no acts of vengeance.  This war stops now."


Me: Michael Corleone
Garden: Corleone Family
Orange Cat: Barzini Family
Grey Cat: Tattaglia Family

Cat poo in the garden:  Attempted Assassination of Vito Corleone
Spray bottle of cayenne pepper around perimeter of garden: Murder of Sollozo and McCluskey
Texas: Sicily
Cats returning to garden: Assassination of Santino Corleone
*TBA: The murder of the 5 heads of rival families 


I know what you're thinking fanbase, "They're just cats, leave them alone..."

I say to you

"...don't ever take sides with anyone

against the family garden again. Ever." 

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Water Post...

Makes sense cause I'm swimming in wine...

Water Garden!!!
(you can see my floating shit in the background)

So the reason I have 17 zucchini's and a few cucumbers is simple...

We've been getting a lot of rain and no sun
great for vegetables that need a lot of water,
 horrible for vegetables that need to redden.  

Stop pissing on my dreams Toronto!!!

Goodnight lovely fanbase

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

"You're a woman, I'm a machine..."

I was curious...
Conclusion: Effeminate robot with penis

Now that that's out of the way...



was great. 

Hilton... spectacular.
(this is where that girl that other girls think is funny
 but men with good sense of humours know isn't can
 put her lame Paris Hilton joke.)
I'm just saying I've known 4 funny girls in my life.
And one lives in Saskatoon, How funny is that? 

Porter Airlines... remarkable.
(pronounced LA-TTES)
Pool... wet.
(No, you're a lame joke)

 shot with my Blackberry which I'm selling or trying to trade for an Iphone since I've been in Macworld for years.  God, I hate this Fackberry.

Is this a cool mirror or... I the son of god?


How does this...

Turn into this?

Answer:  When you're trying to impress someone.

You - "Where'd you get that cucumber, it looks delicious?"

Me - "Aw, thank you, you're too kind, it's from MY garden."

PG rated unit of measurement...

Email me if you're interested in the NC-17 version.
Although it makes the zucchini's look so small.

Me - "Yeah right."

I'm going to continue to buy these ugly garden accessories 
until someone stops me...

I dare you...

I've giving up on the spinach... 
 They are now enemies of the garden.

That's how I roll.
Grow or be shunned.
Notice I have no midget friends.

I'm often asked on the street by people that recognize me from my blog...

Oh so many people - "Jon, what do you look for in a sandal?"

Well firstly I want them to hurt the hell 
out of a specific part of my foot, ideally making them bleed. 
 Also, stylish yet sporty.

That way I can accessorize accordingly. 


All day I dream about Surting Sthe Sucking Sell Sout Sof Sy Seet.

Youtube Video 'O the week

September 14th - New Album

Can one of my diehard fans let me know if this is the longest blog post ever?

Saturday, July 18, 2009

"Hi, I need pellets for my gun..."

"...where's your animal cruelty section."

On the contrary, I'm being polite.

raccoons are hardly animals, especially during a garbage strike.

First Cucumber...
It's so green in person!!!

Say the following words out-loud quickly...



How'd you do?

Well no you didn't get perfect, I wrote black in white there.  

...and you just skipped it.



Oh, I got a little courageous in the garden today...

I transplanted the dying spinach to somewhere with better dirt and more sun.

you - "Oregon?"

Then I bought some little finger eggplants and 
planted them randomly throughout the garden.
Stella - "You must not overfarm the land."

...and planted dill.

I found a marble.

Nice try baseball.  You wish my garden was boring enough for your kind.

"Hey gorgeous, do you come here often...?"

Ok, off to Montreal to hang out with the only person who can beat me at tennis.*

*That I know.**

**And I despise meeting new people who are better than me at tennis.