When words just don't do it justice...

...or you're lazy.

If my salesman skills were half as good as my gardener skills...

I gave it two coffees and/or reading a Maclean's. Whatever came first.

No luck. 

 Is this was Queen West the veggies would sell like hotpants.  

But I don't have the time to put little razor-blades in each little cherry chomato so little hipsters in their little pants die a little death.

One lady starred at them for a long time.  Sorry lady staring won't pay the bills.

actually, that's not a bad idea...

(don't look away, please)

Then a bumblebee came by and I heroically swatted it away.

...and knocked my coffee over.

Oh well, back to selling them for free.

So much easier.

Great harvest...

For a great hat...

...and a bunch of things i saw outside Toronto.

My manhood can't wait for football to start...

Well at least I broke the mop.

that's manly.  Right?

In between running away from bumblebees (see:Manhood) I was able to pick an adequate Sunday harvest.

Psyche...!

 A little more than adequate...

 about 107 cherry chomatoes more than adequate.

Not that I'm counting. (on an excel spreadsheet.)

First out of focus early girl tomato.

Love the ironic name by the way.

You hardly look like a girl.

Dennis Hopper: "You, you're part eggplant."

13 on one plant.  

What am I to do?

Fanbase Challenge!!!

Looks like we have a leader.

Just kidding, women are barred from competing.

Cute try though.

...and lastly.

There's a time and place to dress like this...

The time is never.  

Ok fine, ICP concerts.

and the place is nowhere near me.

Because I will document, ridicule and share with others.

It's what I do best...

I couldn't help but notice you purposefully decided to look like a freak.

I'd blame teenage rebellion but you're 38.

If this doesn't impress woman and/or come across as overtly homosexual...

ZUCCHINI BREAD!!!  

Now to sell this to the coffeeshop (for free).

Dave send me a picture of the one you made?

Did...

Not...

Think...

So....

tazaiki with dill and cukes from someone else's garden.

You and I - "Yeah, right." 

While doing my weekly google search

  "cheap asian mail order brides"

 "sad+nature" I came across the most depressing song ever.

Alone Again (naturally) - Gilbert O'Sullivan

Try it.  I dare you.

"You know how it is: 

you wait ages for a good sperm story

 and then they all come at once."

"Don't worry, I'm not being Swedenophobic 

in mocking the watery emissions of Nordic manhood."

"Keep your rosaries off my ovaries!!!"

I love Maclean's.

Am I funny again...?

I'd say so.

You didn't think I'd do this whole "blog" thing sober?... did you...?

Got my semi-annual military haircut.  

The asian lady was really trying to persuade me to keep some blond highlights.

Summer of "FIRSTS" i guess.

Where was I?

Probably in the garden, picking a poopload of cherry chomatoes.

I hope this helps illustrate the beauty of the night garden.

This post reminds me I haven't had a funny post in a while.

Whatever, still better than your blog.

FANBASE CHALLENGE!!!...(CONT'D)

This is a pretty picture, no?

"Roundin' out the rear..."

Seriously? 

 I made this in my sleep with alot of time and care.

I added some cherry tomatoes to give it a certain je ne sais quoi.

And by that I mean I have no idea what it did.

Ironically enough all my recent recipes have called for zucchini and cherry tomatoes.

Lucky me.

You call that a zucchini Price choppers?

I wouldn't eat a pickle that small.

Great.  Taking pre-orders for any eggplant.

You - "Like a Wii?"

I wanted to show my daily harvest but my camera's lens was being gay.

get it?

This picture does not do the night garden justice...

LEGAL download O' the day Suggestion

A Satisfied Mind - Porter Wagner

Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree - Tony Orlando and Dawn

When I'm not partying like a rock star russian chess prodigy

 late into the night I like to watch timelife infomercials

 and download every song as quickly as I can.

This time it was...

Grand 'Ole Opry

and

Romancing the 70's

Try it.

It's fun.

I promise.

I got my babies a stripper...

I know what you're thinking...

A) You're babies are too young for strippers

B) That is a horrible gardening hat.

I say) I paid for 'em, I'm a do what i want with 'em!!!

BACK OFF!!!

Ironically enough his stripper character is a gardener.

Oh well...

You think teaching an infant to walk is hard?

Try teaching a zucchini plant to put a loonie in it's mouth.

There you go Chris...

Obscure blog fame.

...The very best kind.

"Oh, no!!!..."

"...the propeller deflated...?"
 At one point in their life everyone comes across this.  

...right?

same place, same shot

 with iphone. Not Blackberry.

Help me, help you...

You can't have the half eaten one though.

I saw it first.

Dibs.

 

Mile high club...?

That's when you blog on a plane, right?

I've never been a part of a club above ground.
Well tree fort clubs as a kid.

Actually i' m lying. The plane wouldn't let me Internet.

Honesty is the best poolicy. I've always said that.

Yes I have!

But it's not all bad news. The bathroom was a nonstop orgy. Geez!



the very best policy.

"It's Friiiiiiiiday Night!!!!..."

(I was too busy to upload that yesterday.)

(...and I apologize.)

(...but it was for a good cause.)

(...)

(...No wait. A great cause.)

(...well no, mostly I got an Iphone

 and it took over my life momentarily.)

What's trendier then having an Iphone or a Blackberry?

Having both.  

But this will be remedied shortly.

So help me Dog.

Iphone: Nothing you need, Everything you want.

Again, I'm not trying to brag but I feel you should know...

Ok, off to Montreal.

Maybe Tennis?

Please Dog.

I never said my garden wasn't magical...

How did it get to this?  Let's recap. 

Rented one of those big, WHITE* windowless vans to impress woman.

*white

My Toronto is taking pictures while driving through intermittently bad traffic.

All together now: "My Toronto is CTV News!"

Wanted to buy an Iphone so I could do this with it.

Riddle me this Batman anybody with a grade school education.

I am willing to sign a 3 year contract with Rogers to get an Iphone.

I can't because I do not qualify for a hardware upgrade.

I've been with them for 4 months on a month by month plan.

I do not qualify until April of next year.

They suggest I move to Fido then move back to Rogers.

I strangle one of them to death.

Riddle. Me. That.

So as with the many times prior I've been

 disappointed with this Rogers

store I walk to the neighboring Canadian Tire.

Where....

Rotate it yourself!!!

So excited I run up the escalator.  

Oh, yeah.  One of those side escalators. 

 Don't act like you're not impressed.

What kind of loser/moron/jerk/sociopath

 would buy dying plants because they are on sale?

As flattering as it is to be called a sociopath I HAVE A NAME.

I am...

SASHA FIERCE!