Monday, June 29, 2009

Like a good farmer, out of bed at 5...



Another pounding at the hands of mother nature.  
(If that's even her real name.)

But you can't deny the results.



Name: Celery # 3
Age: ? - ? 
(I did not plant the seed, if you get my drift.  
And you should, because that is not a metaphor)
Skills: death, dying

I don't feel as bad, because it was dying in the container and it was the last one.  I still got 3 healthy ones.  It's like if you adopt...

*(No appropriate 'My babies...' metaphor is possible here.)

How many dexterity points do I get if I can only use
this to garden for the rest of the summer?

Be honest.

Just to give you a sense of these weeds
 I've put a clipart perch for size reference.

Off to St Joachim.  Pronounced Saint Joke'em.

Or properly in French.


(just kidding, $0.99 a picture)

Every 25 years: an event so familiar (well for family
that you make sure it only happens 4 times a century...

Silly "CITIES" probably make annual family reunion shirts.
They don't appreciate in value that way.
You: "Show us the inside!!!!"


HOUSEMATES:  Supposed to rain a lot so you are probably fine for watering and such.  

But please stop shitting in the garden.  
And stop saying it's cat poo, that's such a lame excuse.

You don't think I have the abilities to differentiate between the two?

If it's good enough for Chuck Berry...

Thursday, June 25, 2009

That whore of a...

Mother Nature was back, drunk with power (and water).  Just relentlessly beating my babies.

How can I sum up how I feel.  

Ah, Brando...

Things that make Jon sad #36: Old people crying.

As seen in:  The Godfather
                     Old ladies in Requiem for a Dream
                     Old man in Bowling for Columbine

But then things like this happen and I feel no sympathy.

What was she doing driving HIS car.

He's a MAN.
And it's the 1940's.


Whatever she's no Annie Hall.

I mean Kay.


We will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes...
We will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes...
We will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes...

We will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes...
We will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes...

PS - This obviously means war.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

To the person who keeps leaving this near my door...

Me - I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. 

I don't know why I bother will all these fight promotions. 
 They both get disqualified for dying every time.

Newer, old garden lady was my favorite yet.  She explained to me everything she knew about their herbs and was kind enough to flip through her notes to find a quick handout on herbs.  It was just like chatting it up with the nerdy girl to get a copy of her impeccable notes.

I added:
Celery (dislike it)
Eggplant (hate it)
Banana Peppers (indifferent)

*only vegetables that were left.

and Herbs.

You didn't really think i was going to take your suggestions?

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Actually homeless Tarot card reader...

who cursed me because I said Tarot wasn't a real thing.

I DID have another day of happiness in my life. 
 In fact I had two in the last two days
You read the card wrong, 
the one with a big sun smiling means good things are coming.  


How nice of a day was it?
I literally saw a a woman stop to smell the roses.

"Y'all ready for this..."


This is going to be my TRL section of the garden.  
So make your requests.

You - "BSB!!!"

Finally the collection is complete!!!

5 Darts!*
*only the most loyal fans will get that one.

**Thanks you two!

Friday, June 19, 2009


Courtesy of  (the omega 3 fatty acid of the internet)

You have no idea how hard it is to pull these out without breaking them.
 Oh... you do?

...And you're still not impressed..?

 : > (

Finally something of value in my pretty garden.
Our money problems are over!!!

Just kidding Government of Canada.  
Don't stop.

Me and my babies (and apparently a bright sun)

Consciously or not, I always end up getting a little nipple in all my pics.

Sorry Fanbase.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

"Hey I was just in Pittsburgh and I brought some..."


What more do you guys need to grow
(...and don't tell me water, 
I am getting sick and tired of that answer.)

If you typed in "Inspiration + Business" you'd get this
 IStock picture.

I take pride in the generic look of my photography. 
 It's called re-usability.  

I'd cry to if my mom (or worse a stranger holding me) 
wore RED at the Pittsburgh Penguins Stanley Cup Parade.

PS - Big changes coming to the garden shortly.

You: "Now say it like a fortune cookie."

PS - Something drastic  will befall you're* garden in the near future.

Cue: Suspenseful music

*: But I AM a garden.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

What happens in Texas stays in Texas and..

the Internet.

***The following blog post is not recommended 
for mothers or soon-to-be mothers.***
(women practicing to become mothers should be fine)

You've been warned.

The gardening seminar was just a big police bust.  
Apparently gardening is illegal in Texas.
(Something to do with it only producing vegetables)

After careful negotiations we were allowed a jailbreak.

Oh, where are my manners.

Name: Dagmaster

Age: ?

Strengths: Gardening, Product integration

Awwww, Silly Sabre forgot how to keep saliva in his mouth. 

But we couldn't leave because we needed to watch THE GAME.
Apparently hockey isn't huge there.

Can I wipe some vinegar in those wounds?


Freedom-land:  Auto industry I'd like you to meet Detroit.  Detroit this is the auto industry I was talking about.

Logical mind:  It'll never last.

Detroit: We're in love!

Logical mind: I'm just saying keep your options 
open.  What about information technology it seemed nice.

Auto Industry: Love! Gas! Love!

Maybe don't hire your mayor based on street cred.

Oh, and... The Detroit Lions.

Then a bunch of things happened that no one remembers.

Then Dagmaster showed us this trick.

"The river is full Boatlicker."
(I swear that's not an inside joke)

Thank god all american hotel room carpets 
have blood drops everywhere or we'd have to pay big $$$$.

Overall we made a lot of friends.  

Except for all the people who thought we were gay.  
Just because we're articulate, clean cut, polite people doesn't make us gay.

But I guess the dyed blond hair, ear piercings, white kakis and soft voices did not help.

Then we came back.  But not before an old fat Texan threw a hissy fit for having to lock his sniper rifle in it's case before it would be checked at the airport. 

Sometimes I question their commitment to Freedom
 You know?


 I am going to have so many Facebook notifications.  
And not just different quizzes I can take.

Of course I want to know which Shakespeare character I am.

Othello... ah... Moor or less.

I'm so puny.

PS - 

I still care.

It's looking better than Ezra.

Sorry, better than ever.

Ok, off to Pittsburgh

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

For my housemates...

Could you guys water the plants every other day while I'm away?

It's best to do it early morning or early evening.  Cucumbers and Zucchini take more water.

Obviously you don't need to do it if it rains.  If it's not really hot and sunny you may not have to do it every other day.  Feel the soil for any signs of moisture.  If there is moisture, walk on.  

I usually fill up the pretty watering can twice to water all the plants.

Put the sword in the ground as a sign to the other housemate you watered them that day.  My swords are where all swords should be, right near my bed.

PS - You guys can eat that cauliflower in the fridge.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Research, research, research...

I'm off to Texas to learn about gardens and oil.

 I spoke with a NEW garden lady and she was so practical and straightforward in her advice I could, and did, hug her.

She said my garden is dormant because it hasn't been warm and not too worry.  All the wilted leaves will die off, replaced by prettier leaves and it'll be like they never existed.  

Her words.

Like a caterpillar?

My words.

So this is normal... 


(I'm heckling like it's a baseball player)


(join me?)

Friday, June 5, 2009

Thursday, June 4, 2009

You - "I wish he'd blog about the rugged, ruthless nighttime aspect of gardening..."

I was sleeping quietly near the garden protecting my babies like I do 17 other hours of the day.


Pretty sweet eh?  My eyes are closed!  I made those eyes out of raccoon bone to make it seem like I’m awake.   That gun?  Not even there, it’s an optical illusion.  I had my buddy rig it up. 


When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

I couldn’t see much with my headlight so I used the flash of my camera carefully.

I guided my gun slowly towards his face.  The gun the only thing between me and this heartless savage...

Ew… In MY (pretty) garden….



This short pant wearing, pseudo-environmentalist, bisexually promiscuous, mid to late 20’s ager, drugs doctors’ prescribed in the 1930’s usin', MSTRKRFT LSTNNG, Queen West hangin’ (In Toronto, ONTARIO, CANADA)* , dancin’, Meat hatin’, Falafel lovin’, Ruining classic records to make them sound inferior DJin', they smell, blog readin' (and I do thank you for that), drunken, mindless pontificatin’, unintentionally shallow seemin’, cause lovin’, art show in a rank bar havin’, coffeeshop lovin’, ipod imbedded, drum and bass listenin’, Power Rangers watchin’, sports hatin’ ** dance where you grab your knee towards your head as a joke doin’,  buskin’, corporation hatin’, hummus makin’, Yoga zenin’, hypocritically facebook hatin', dancin', green tea drinkin’, twitterin’***,   horrible human is gardening in my pretty garden?

Oh, It’s my buddy Mike Reynolds. 

He’s cool.

We were housemates for a few years.   (it was an amicable split, he wanted to find a cheaper place; I wanted kids.) 

Now I remember I told him we should nighttime garden tonight.  And it was only 10PM.


Want a bio(graphy)?

Name: Mike Reynold(s)

Age: ?

Skills: Gardening, digderoo

Weaknesses: See Above

Asterisk Section:

*for my international fanbase

** How? How on earth? They are so fun.

 ***Twitter’s popularity lies in the brevity of each entry.

Why would you want to write less?  I don’t get the logic.  Everything is funnier when you bash it into someone’s face incessantly, needlessly spewing the same jargon over and over again.  Every reader knows the humour comes when you multiply everything you’re saying in ways that not only lack narrative progression but seem redundant and meaningless.  Getting a laugh out of someone should be a convoluted, repetitive task the writer succeeds at by deciphering nothing but typing something.  With that special something a writer has his Achilles’ heel in armour so protective nothing but the most cyclical reoccurrences could damage it.  Articulating one’s thoughts is a gift best left unwrapped, contained so that the joy comes from the anticipation of a myriad of disconnected reflections and not from the unwrapping of said gift. 

 This has unwrapped.  I could not twitter.


FYI – I wrote every essay (and many that were not mine) in this same way.  With absolutely impeccable results. 


Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I swear I gardened today...

But how can I prove it? My housemates were gone, no way to take pictures of the act.

Just trust me.

"Do you trust me?"

I don't know Aladdin, you lied throughout the whole movie! Street Rat!

Oh, wait proof. (what I found in my pretty garden today)

(While gardening)

1. a brick (this is where the joke would be if I had one)

2. part of a hanger (how was I to know you AREN'T suppose to put them in the garden?)

3. Piece of wood, shaped as if used to kill vampires 
    (Dully Noted)

4. Old Nail (I mean old, like death of our Lord old.    Too soon?)

5. Mountain Equipment Co-op Label 
(Wow! such adventurous people used to live in my pretty garden!) 

6. Gardening tool (that one kind of makes sense)

Also look at me.

You - "Inconclusive, you always wear Long Johns."

Me - But look how dirty they are.

You - "Inconclusive, you're a filthy human."

Me - Whatever, I know what I did today.

Monday, June 1, 2009

...Well this doesn't make a lick of sense.

But I got to feed my rabid fanbase.*

* in my head