Saturday, May 30, 2009

"...Wu Tang Clan ain't nothing to puck with, Wu Tang Clan ain't nothing to puck with."

What?  I thought everyone bought their cd's at Walmart.

So I met a guy on Craigslist.  (whoops, wrong link, Internet dating is HARD)  He specializes in being good looking to things so they grow better.

Want a bio(graphy)?

Ya me too.

Name: Curry
Age: ?
Specialty: Gardening, Staring, not Tennis

Here's a snippet of his work.



I art directed that one.  (it's a hobby i'm passionate about)

Just let me know when this isn't funny anymore.* 
*(if you do I will think very poorly of you)


How did I not get it before?  Of course it's funnier if the picture is smaller. Duh!



No, no, no, it's funnier if the picture is bigger. 
 Like Chris Farley. (RIPeepee)




Ah, there it is. 
 Big and slightly off center.  
Now THAT* is Chris Farley. (definitely the color of fat overdose)

*Blog formatting

Friday, May 29, 2009

You - "Two part question...."

You (cont'd) "What deodorant do you use after all that sweaty gardening?"

BLAM!



As endorsed by Bam Margera, Tom Green (i think) and method(and/or)redman.

So you know it's good.

Trust me, one of my new year's resolutions was to smell better. and be 6'1.

You - "Good to know.  Part two, how much to you like mustard?"

SO much.  I wear it.


...And check for anything embarrassing in the background and... we're good.

You - "Ok, are you going to garden ever again or what?"

Me - You just don't shutup.  I was just getting to that.



When...



Out of nowhere......



BLAM! (the bad kind)

I hate bumblebees.  They are my Kryptonite. In that, I find them mildly unpleasant.
(that's the colour of kryptonite right?)

I've also been playing a lot of System of a Down for my garden cause they need to be angry (angry vegetables are so, so tasty!!! ) and of course TALK MY EAR OFF ABOUT THE ARMENIAN GENOCIDE.



Wanted: ramblings - willing to publish in alternate reality (filled with porn)

555-867-5309, ask for Internet

How am I dripping sweat typing this? GODDAMMIT.  You win this round HYPERHYDROSIS!

off to play some of the most hungover tennis ever.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

I've got BEEF with...

Mother Nature.

  What’s up?  You don’t show up til it’s convenient for you?  I know you’re always kind of there, but now just showering our kids with wetness?

 I get it.

 

I will never be able to water as thoroughly and evenly as you.  I know that now. 

But where were you when green pepper #3 was sick?  (oh I haven’t named them yet, I thought we could do that as a FAMILY)  So not only will one of our kids probably die (a  midget.)  

We also can’t eat him.  (ya him, I checked, another thing I though we could do together)

I know you’re not ready to settle down. I get it.  But don’t just shower them with water and take off.  Maybe take less time finding pretty flowers to put in your hair.


Or sleeping. 

(really? Mother Nature sleeping during a recession? Father Time must be PISSED.)

 Or worst of all, getting stuck in a tree. 

 

Really?

 “Daddy, where’s mommy?” 

"Oh, she got stuck in a tree again.”

 How can I teach the kids good values like not getting stuck in trees when their mother is off doing that exact thing. 

 

This isn’t Ernest Scared Stupid and you’re not a slimy troll.

 

Oh, and I found out you’ve mothered every living thing on the planet.

Ya, word gets around.

Slut.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

"No, we're never gonna survive unless..."

we get a little crazy.

Have you ever had  the strong urge to download some Seal songs only to realize once you are at your computer, you hate his music?

 He’s beautiful in like an asteroid is beautiful kind of way.


I better stop with the seal bashing (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/sealbashing) in case he reads this.

What?

SUMMER CHALLENGE #73:  Get Seal to read my blog.

Now that that’s off my chest: gardening

 I’ve been playing a lot of Wu Tang Clan for my garden cause I don’t want them to grow up to be pushovers.  They need the edge and intensity The Wu offers. 

 Don’t worry I balance it out with a unreasonably large amount of Anne Murray.

 There’s a snowbird you can bring home to mom.

 


"Mr. Jon Murray..." ah, sigh.


5:28AM: I am not well.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Too cold to garden so...

I upgraded my gardening hat.


Well at least I won't have to water my babies.  

...and I can work on my other blog (cleaningmydirtyroom.blogspot.com)


Sunday, May 24, 2009

Goodbye paleness...

Hello sk"in" cancer.


CHeers to CHerry CHomatoes


ok, Green pepper #3, what's up?  I think you've shrunk since I planted you.

Almost everything on the planet grows.  Do you know something almost everything else on the planet doesn't?

"Didn't act alone."

"Several theories suggest..."

Hogwash.  I don't care. just grow.

Don't embarrass me in front of the internet.

We were really hitting it off.

Jerk.



For Your Information

Green text: Plant speak


Friday, May 22, 2009

I found a friend...

I'm gonna name him Timothy.


...And...He's...Dead.



Isn't this the prettiest watering can you've ever seen.


If no, don't answer that.

 

So i planted some zucchini.  Almost out of garden real estate, next are onions but not 'til the soil heats up.


Then I pulled SO many weeds.  

No way to make that funny.




"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

When I think of gardens...

I think of The Godfather Films.  

So obviously I'm going to name every plant after a character from the film.  

And obviously I'm going to name the ones that seem to be growing best after characters I like.  

And obviously you need to see them grow so you can pick a name that suits their look and character.

Otherwise you get a boring name like Jon.

My cousin Scortavio wasn't named til he was 9.  Now look at him.



















You: "...But Jon, I'm a horrible human who doesn't have time to watch THE GODFATHER."

Me: "This may suffice until you get a soul."  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soul)


What? You can't speak internet link?  That's too bad.


Oh, almost forgot.

I gardened today.


Some people pronounce them "Jalapeno", but I've always said "Jalapeno." Weird.

My first "Myspace"-y picture. LOLZ :-)


I know what you're thinking.  Of course I photoshopped my nose to look bigger. 
 As a joke...

Join me on a journey to not being the second palest person I know.



Tuesday, May 19, 2009

...For my mom

...So I should probably start planting now.

Across the road at the gardening store:

Old lady looked at my drawing and just said yes to everything.  

Amazingly accurate garden rendition?

Or

Old, tired, disinterested lady.

Told to by plant food.  Now I've heard of everything.

You: Jon, we love your blog but we want to know more about you.  What's the deal with you?

Me:  Well, I'm a private person so I'll only give you a small, pet peeve.  I hate when you ask someone simple questions about a product and they just read what's on the carton/bag/toe-tag.  I CAN READ.  I CAN READ BETTER THAN YOU.

I know this because you're 45 and walking 5 bags of dirt across the road to my place.

But I digress... Often.

Bought the soil now I need the plants.

I went with early girl tomatoes.  (better than late ones.)

For those keeping score that's the first menstrual joke.

...and Green peppers and cherry tomatoes.  Because they don't have snow peas.  



Gardening 101:  Bend a tool you use often so it no longer serves a useful purpose.

Oh, did my brute strength get in the way again.  Shucks.


I don't want to 
brag but...
With my bear hands.


Monday, May 18, 2009

This might help...





I'm going to ask the nice, old lady if this makes any sense.


Sunday, May 17, 2009

..Then there were two.


Conversation with nice, old lady 
from neighborhood garden store:

"Hi."
"Hello."
"I live across the road and I'm starting a garden."
"Were you the guy in the green suit yesterday...?"
"Possibly...."
"..."
"It's comfortable."

PAUSE
PAUSE
PAUSE
PAUSE

"What would you like to know?"

"My landlord told me it may be hard to grow vegetables because this area used to be industrial and may have lead or other harmful substances within it.  What vegetation would prove most capable of creating a meaningful harvest."

"Oh, They redid all of this area, you'll be able to grow whatever you like."

(Then I hugged her.)




**************************ATTENTION****************************

1st garden assist: KP

Gender: Male
Age: ?
Specialty: Gardening

People always ask why his nickname is KP.  It's because his name is Kyle Peters.

Mystery Solved.

It seemed normal at the time: The Kyle Peter's Story

Then KP remembered he planted chives (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chives) a long time ago. So we transplanted it in the pretty garden.  

FIRST ONE.



"Why is the picture of the chives at the beginning?" (with emphasis) - You

"..." - Me







Friday, May 15, 2009

Just so you know...

I picked a gardening hat.


That is all.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Everyone knows...

A good garden needs love and care.

A great garden needs a shaman found on Craigslist to bless it.


video

...Then I found out he charges by the hour.  So i had him bless my room.


video

...Then my housemates called me selfish and told me to make him bless the kitchen.


video

Yes, some shaman look very, very Irish.

take care.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

...So it begins

So I decided to replace my current garden (pictured below) for a prettier one.  I felt the yellow flowers that were growing were nice, but there was no challenge in bringing them to life.  Like Rhubarb. But not as tasty. (trust me)



First step weedwack that shit.


video

While weedwacking I saw a Bumble Bee (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bumble_bee) and went to find something to KILL IT.  When I returned it was gone.  Let that be a lesson to everyone, if you ever want to kill something (someone) do it cause you never know when that opportunity will present itself again.

So after weedwacking for hours I went to my neighborhood garden store. (some neighborhoods have 'em) and the nice, old lady with a cold sore helped me pick the ideal rake, which coincidentally was the only one they had.  When you're lucky, you're lucky.  

Then I raked the shit out of my garden.



Racist Comment 'O' the Day

A guy fixing something on my neighbor's house made small talk with me.  His fourth sentence was this: "Better watch out for Chinese people, they'll eat all your vegetables at night."

Then I raked/Weedwacked the shit out of my garden. (Again)

Finally  the garden is ready to let me put my seed(s) in it to grow some plants.(babies)


Wanna see it close up?  Ya, me too.

video

FINAL TALLY: 2 Lighters
                           4.5 Darts
                        00.10$

Don't believe me?



I'm so excited to start my garden.  What to grow is the next big decision of my life. Unemployment makes the smallest decisions HUGE.  But it gives me more time to garden and get woman pregnant.

One of those is true. (Hint: I blog about it)



Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Welcome to My Pretty Garden



Hi folks,
Don't you love gardens?

Yes, but I never have time for them.
 Can't someone just describe it with words and pictures for me?  (that's what you say)

Yes, me. (That's what I say)

This is a picture of my backyard and where the garden will be.  

According to the Website Wikipedia a garden is "is a planned space, usually outdoors, set aside for the display, cultivation, and enjoyment ofplants and other forms of nature. The garden can incorporate both natural and man-made materials. The most common form is known as a residential garden. Western gardens are almost universally based around plants. Zoos, which display wild animals in simulated natural habitats, were formerly called zoological gardens."[1][2]

You could read everything Wikipedia knows about gardens here.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garden

Stay Tuned.

Please.