Wednesday, September 16, 2009

www.myprettylawsuit...?


So my landlord's contractor ripped out my garden.  
Out of nowhere. 
 Pretty stupid, right?
Those weeds look like eggplant, weird?
STUPID.




AAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!
HATE, HATE, HATE



Well these tomatoes are small, they're not growing.
STUPID.  

Now to sit and relax and find out what the hell we just pulled out.
STUPID.


One last time.  
Stella: 
"Prince Machiavelli himself couldn't have orchestrated a more murderous coup!"


This happened Saturday and I'm still unbelievably furious.
(and unconsolable)(obviously)
Typing this out reminds how dumb and inconsiderate most people are.

This is why most people don't like people.
They are not anti-social.
They just loss hope in the chance that most people are 
well-adjusted, logical, considerate and generally good people.

There are so few.

I will keep you all posted on what my next steps are.  
And trust me, I'm on it.
But also making a movie. So gimme timme.

Please feel free to comment about how this makes you feel.
Let it out, you'll feel better.



All that aside I got a pretty kitty cat.
Don't tell me to blog about it.

Too soon.


Friday, September 11, 2009

Now I remember...

I went to school for film.

I'm trying to make one.

Plus the garden is the same as usual.

I'll let you know when eggplants are all the rave (in my garden)

All that aside if the 4 people that read this have any of the following, give them to me.

tennis ball bucket
gorilla hand (any crazy creature hand)
mop
bucket
 school clock
devil sticks
big pylon

old people sun glasses

horn (animal)

volleyball

rabbit fur (or any animal)

ginger wig

white long john's

golf visor

janitor coveralls

bikini

hockey jersey

Mecca clothes

gold chains

gangsta clothes

big basketball Jerseys


I promise some sort of reward.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

This isn't the first time a Kennedy has overshadowed a death in my garden...

Me: "I just planted that grassy knoll you're crouching on!!!"

(that joke would have been better if I didn't procrastinate)

(and if I was 60)

(and if it was funny)

Never-the-less zucchinis have moved on to a better place. 

(In the alleyway directly to the right of the garden)

You didn't think  vegetables went to heaven?

Me: "You know what hasn't died yet?"

You: "My interest in your blog?"

Me: "No.  I purposefully made it less funny to ween you off of it.  You haven't noticed?"

MY TOMATOES, silly
They're not bug infestations, they're... 
HS: "Speed Holes!"

How'd I get water on my gardening hat?


Oh, right...

HyperHYDROSIS

(worste fomrated blog post eva, son!)

Monday, September 7, 2009

Please tell me you didn't eat those zucchinis I gave you...


The OLDEST LADY from the garden store came to my yard sale.  Then just went into my backyard (which was weird.)  Then she said my zucchinis have powdery mildew, a fungal disease.  From moisture, dryness, moisture, dryness, etc.
BAD summer.

BAD.
Tomorrow I'm ripping them out.  I wanted room anyways for 

garden sex
garden sleep
pumpkins

All that aside...
(almost) a commercial tomato
Remember green pepper #3?  He's back from the dead.

Need to re-iterate.

I don't like eggplant. 
 I have a problem.

You better believe my camera knows where the focus should be...


Believe...








Saturday, September 5, 2009

blogger's block...

Just kidding, I just realized words suck...
(i did have a yard sale though)

video video
For those of you who think I'm making up this bumblebee problem to impress woman...

my psychiatrist says i should watch the bees to grow comfortable with them surrounding me while gardening...







Sunday, August 30, 2009

Saturday, August 29, 2009

If my salesman skills were half as good as my gardener skills...


I gave it two coffees and/or reading a Maclean's. Whatever came first.

No luck. 

 Is this was Queen West the veggies would sell like hotpants.  
But I don't have the time to put little razor-blades in each little cherry chomato so little hipsters in their little pants die a little death.

One lady starred at them for a long time.  Sorry lady staring won't pay the bills.

actually, that's not a bad idea...
(don't look away, please)


video
Then a bumblebee came by and I heroically swatted it away.
...and knocked my coffee over.

Oh well, back to selling them for free.

So much easier.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Great harvest...


For a great hat...

...and a bunch of things i saw outside Toronto.



Sunday, August 23, 2009

My manhood can't wait for football to start...


Well at least I broke the mop.

that's manly.  Right?

In between running away from bumblebees (see:Manhood) I was able to pick an adequate Sunday harvest.

Psyche...!
 A little more than adequate...
 about 107 cherry chomatoes more than adequate.

Not that I'm counting. (on an excel spreadsheet.)
First out of focus early girl tomato.
Love the ironic name by the way.


You hardly look like a girl.
Dennis Hopper: "You, you're part eggplant."
13 on one plant.  
What am I to do?

Fanbase Challenge!!!
Looks like we have a leader.
Just kidding, women are barred from competing.
Cute try though.


...and lastly.
There's a time and place to dress like this...

The time is never.  
Ok fine, ICP concerts.
and the place is nowhere near me.
Because I will document, ridicule and share with others.

It's what I do best...

I couldn't help but notice you purposefully decided to look like a freak.
I'd blame teenage rebellion but you're 38.

Friday, August 21, 2009

If this doesn't impress woman and/or come across as overtly homosexual...


ZUCCHINI BREAD!!!  
Now to sell this to the coffeeshop (for free).


Dave send me a picture of the one you made?


Did...

Not...

Think...

So....

tazaiki with dill and cukes from someone else's garden.
You and I - "Yeah, right." 

While doing my weekly google search
  "cheap asian mail order brides"
 "sad+nature" I came across the most depressing song ever.

Alone Again (naturally) - Gilbert O'Sullivan

Try it.  I dare you.

"You know how it is: 
you wait ages for a good sperm story
 and then they all come at once."

"Don't worry, I'm not being Swedenophobic 
in mocking the watery emissions of Nordic manhood."

"Keep your rosaries off my ovaries!!!"

I love Maclean's.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

You didn't think I'd do this whole "blog" thing sober?... did you...?

Got my semi-annual military haircut.  
The asian lady was really trying to persuade me to keep some blond highlights.

Summer of "FIRSTS" i guess.

Where was I?

Probably in the garden, picking a poopload of cherry chomatoes.
video

I hope this helps illustrate the beauty of the night garden.

This post reminds me I haven't had a funny post in a while.

Whatever, still better than your blog.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

FANBASE CHALLENGE!!!...(CONT'D)

This is a pretty picture, no?

"Roundin' out the rear..."

Seriously? 

 I made this in my sleep with alot of time and care.
I added some cherry tomatoes to give it a certain je ne sais quoi.
And by that I mean I have no idea what it did.

Ironically enough all my recent recipes have called for zucchini and cherry tomatoes.
Lucky me.

You call that a zucchini Price choppers?


I wouldn't eat a pickle that small.

Great.  Taking pre-orders for any eggplant.

You - "Like a Wii?"



I wanted to show my daily harvest but my camera's lens was being gay.

get it?

This picture does not do the night garden justice...

LEGAL download O' the day Suggestion

A Satisfied Mind - Porter Wagner
Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree - Tony Orlando and Dawn

When I'm not partying like a rock star russian chess prodigy
 late into the night I like to watch timelife infomercials
 and download every song as quickly as I can.

This time it was...

Grand 'Ole Opry
and
Romancing the 70's

Try it.

It's fun.

I promise.