Funny...

My dollar store shopping list didn't include gay butterflies...

BIG NEWS!!!

I gave a zucchini to one of my local coffee shops slash eateries.  

They promised to use it in their food. 

 That's the chef using it as a phone. (his idea)

...and to all the people who asked how $much$ I got for it. 

 you are capitalist pigs.

The early girl tomatoes are right on time.  Thank god. 

We were worried we were late...

Say that 5 times fast.  

(Well hopefully not in the same context.)

That would be menstrual joke number 2  for the diehard fans.

You know who you are.

Hidden in the jungle of the cherry tomato plants was an english cucumber.

That's SO Raven

(I mean)                                                                    

                  neat.

Then my supposedly funny friend forced me to put him in

  MY blog.

This is the best he could come up with.

I guess by the rules of my blog I must...

Name: Dave

Age: ?

Skills: gardening, intermittent urination

If this wasn't such a "Mom-friendly" blog I could explain 

why the following picture is funny.

Even my camera knows where the focus should be on this picture.

God I love that bird.

I don't care what race my future wife is...

we are having asian children.

Non-negotiable term.

How do you make a pretty garden prettier?

Easy.  Dollarama decorations.

This is getting ridiculous...

...Not how quickly the zucchini is growing.  This is a FRUIT bowl.

Jalepeno #1 is tucked away in the corner.  But...

BLAM!

I even found green pepper #3 hidden under Cherry Tomato #3.  It's grown exponentially.

I promise I will name them soon.

My Pretty Garden - July 13th, 2009

...and as per your request: More naked pictures of me.

This is a pretty flattering one...

you didn't think I would do this whole "Gardening thing"

 sober did you?

Watch...

The video again.

Tribute to a legend...

They all laughed when I said I was growing a garden...

They said it would never work...

The ground was too polluted they said...

The backyard too small, too dark...

My apathy too great...

My work ethic suspect...

My charm too intoxicating...

My color palette too predictable...

I'll show them, I'll show them all..... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Oh shit.

 I've gone mad with power 

vegetation.

IT'S ALIVE!!!

NOW IT'S NOT!!!

I was so excited to eat my baby zucchini I was shaking.

Look at the pretty stones KP put in.  Can't spell teamwork without "Hey Jon, I put nice stones in the garden to make it prettier."

No

You can't.

Who's looking dumb now spinach?

Hint: You are the one who looks dumb.

(this is my mad scientist post)

(every blogger is allowed one)

(and since most blogs are self-aggrandizing, mindless philosophical garbage I get two)

Longest drought ever...

The blog, not the garden.

That's doing incredibly well.

Windsor's on strike too Toronto.  So you can park like this.

I'm pretty sure this is the freedom our forefathers envisioned.

Pray for peace or I will turn you all to stone.

It was this or blogging.

Pretty easy choice.  Almost as easy as...

How could heaven and hell be so close to each other?

Don't think I didn't stop obsessing 

about gardening while I was away. 

 I even went to one of those Giant Gardens.

If you think my garden is beautiful...*

*You do

Weeded and maintained in my parent's backyard by my 11 yrs neighbor.  

Let's see Dakota Fanning do that.  bitch.

MEAT GARDEN!!!

I helped my sister move so I made her an herbpage.

I'm as bad at golf as I am amazing at tennis.

That reminds me, did anybody see that match?

AMAZING.

46 ACES!!!

JUST KEEP PRETENDING 

YOU KNOW WHAT 

I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!

Like a good farmer, out of bed at 5...

.
..
...
....
....PM.

Whoops.

Another pounding at the hands of mother nature.  

(If that's even her real name.)

But you can't deny the results.

FATALITY!

FINISH HIM!!!!!!

Name: Celery # 3

Age: ? - ? 

(I did not plant the seed, if you get my drift.  

And you should, because that is not a metaphor)

Skills: death, dying

I don't feel as bad, because it was dying in the container and it was the last one.  I still got 3 healthy ones.  It's like if you adopt...

*(No appropriate 'My babies...' metaphor is possible here.)

How many dexterity points do I get if I can only use

this to garden for the rest of the summer?

Be honest.

Just to give you a sense of these weeds

 I've put a clipart perch for size reference.

Off to St Joachim.  Pronounced Saint Joke'em.

Or properly in French.

***GRATUITOUS T SHIRT MONTAGE***

(just kidding, $0.99 a picture)

Every 25 years: an event so familiar (well for family) 

that you make sure it only happens 4 times a century...

Silly "CITIES" probably make annual family reunion shirts.

They don't appreciate in value that way.

recession.

You: "Show us the inside!!!!"

Oh...

HOUSEMATES:  Supposed to rain a lot so you are probably fine for watering and such.  

But please stop shitting in the garden.  

And stop saying it's cat poo, that's such a lame excuse.

You don't think I have the abilities to differentiate between the two?

If it's good enough for Chuck Berry...

That whore of a...

Mother Nature was back, drunk with power (and water).  Just relentlessly beating my babies.

How can I sum up how I feel.  

Ah, Brando...

Things that make Jon sad #36: Old people crying.

As seen in:  The Godfather

                     Old ladies in Requiem for a Dream

                     Old man in Bowling for Columbine

But then things like this happen and I feel no sympathy.

What was she doing driving HIS car.

He's ITALIAN.

He's a MAN.

And it's the 1940's.

Duh...

Whatever she's no Annie Hall.

I mean Kay.

BUT...

We will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes...

We will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes...

We will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes...

We will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes...

We will rise like a Phoenix from the ashes...

PS - This obviously means war.

To the person who keeps leaving this near my door...

Me - I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. 

I don't know why I bother will all these fight promotions. 

 They both get disqualified for dying every time.

Newer, old garden lady was my favorite yet.  She explained to me everything she knew about their herbs and was kind enough to flip through her notes to find a quick handout on herbs.  It was just like chatting it up with the nerdy girl to get a copy of her impeccable notes.

I added:

Celery (dislike it)

Eggplant (hate it)

Banana Peppers (indifferent)

*only vegetables that were left.

and Herbs.

You didn't really think i was going to take your suggestions?

Actually homeless Tarot card reader...

who cursed me because I said Tarot wasn't a real thing.

I DID have another day of happiness in my life. 

 In fact I had two in the last two days. 

You read the card wrong, 

the one with a big sun smiling means good things are coming.  

Honest

mistake.

How nice of a day was it?

I literally saw a a woman stop to smell the roses.

"Y'all ready for this..."

de-na-na-na-na-na....

This is going to be my TRL section of the garden.  

So make your requests.

You - "BSB!!!"

Finally the collection is complete!!!

5 Darts!*

*only the most loyal fans will get that one.

**Thanks you two!